You made me cry and you don't even care
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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