Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
