If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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