My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
