Hey man sorry I got all grabby
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
