It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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