okay pat passed out under dana's car
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
