You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
