Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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