I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
