my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
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We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You're a waste of cheezeits
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".