i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.