5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
