you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
