i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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