So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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