i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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