You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
two words...techno handjob
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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