my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
