I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
