how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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