I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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