Everything about him screamed your future.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
