My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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