i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
