You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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