i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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