i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
