Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i've created a new STD.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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