I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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