my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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