I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I will die if light touches me.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
