I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
