don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
