my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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