Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
