I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
