I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just googled if crying burns calories
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
