she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
