There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
