If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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