I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
