My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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