he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
