Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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