Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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