i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
