my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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