does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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