It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
