over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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