Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
