i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
