I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
