You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
