hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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