and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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